they’ve been few days didn’t write... didn’t feel so...
nothing major happened..
except that i saw M and D yesterday....
thought would be quite bizarre meeting M again...but was cool...she’s gorgeous as ever....maybe “She’s a woman” suits her more...
she’s looking at me with emphasis...it’s being a year since last time...since all that happened....was crazy then....not about her....about my life.....and as a consequence i was mad about her....it’s this trick life plays when u r in reaching the bottom of the sea.... bringing someone to hang up....
my mates told me that but i couldn’t listen then... I HAD TO SURVIVE!
D is again back to her standards....was glad i saw her being this powerful, attractive, gorgeous woman.... she’s amazing...
i want to work with her in my feature....her and T together....Brilliant!
by the way i just remembered that T is getting married....i was so sad and surprised when she told me about it....
but as C said, let her have the bullshit from her marriage, as u also had, and then she will be free and open to the world again...
xexe...like these theories.....like talking about women....they’re covering the majority of my daily thoughts....
am I a real lesbian then? :)))
so D came back from Aus, refreshed and ready to pull her guns out again.... problems with hobby...last summer when met her for a while, she had left herself, she wasn’t her... she has the baby, but now is back...Good!
and today....today... i saw her! i saw G!
she’s an amazing creature making myself happy just looking at her, but at the same time feeling empty, cause if nothing will happen, then she’s just another one....
she went back home, i suppose b4 meeting us, and she was dressed as for something......for me?? who knows...
i talked a lot...lot....talked about B, about R, about my lesbians mates...she was shocked about lesbians and me....
but then i talked about me and B....and said the truth....i realised i m not afraid saying the truth about us anymore...
it was so funny when G asked me why i didn’t want to be together with B again when she wanted it...and i said...we broke up because she left me 4 someone else....and G replied, common don’t be so hard about it....but i said....it was the 3rd time....hahaha
we lol....all of us....but i said the truth for everything, for the goods and the bads.., and my faults...
and maybe Stam, was the first time, he heard the completely truth from me....he knew... i know that...he has the sense...but it came out from me....lately, i don’t see the point not saying anything about me, my faults, my divorce, my everything...
i wanted to protect B...
it’s not necessary anymore.....
i protect myself now....by talking...not hiding anything... i’ll say my opinion, and if you dont like it i dont give a shit.....fuck off!!
i’m open to the world now....dont care if I’d get hurt or anything....it’s part of the shit...
anyway i always have this “cover”, inner, deep deep to my soul or my consciousness or unconsciousness, which makes me invisible, when i’m so much over there...close to you babes...
and what a surprise, when we broke up with B, i’m talking and talking like never done before....talking for me now....all over the place...
it may boring for the others, but honestly, i don’t give a damn any more...
when i was with B, she was doing all the talking....all the time, blablabla...and complaining i’m not talking... i always believed in “I like not saying too much”...
but Francis Bacon said: “Only too much is enough”....and that’s it....i want to follow it all over my life,,,,to whatever,,,, everywhere,,,,
B used to say that i don’t promote myself enough.... all the others, all the others, even if they are the stupidest persons, they’re saying more....ok...i had my way to show up myself, but now i have also the talking....open my mouth and saying what i want, whatever....
and it’s not so bad...it’s very good...one of the good things got from B... after 10 years u r taking things from each other, even without understanding when happened...
i’m waiting....waiting for the moment my life will change chapter...or it’ll start a new book from the beginning....
i’m happy with myself....from where i started and where i’m now, and where i want to go it’s quite long, but not too long for me!
i managed to overcome my social class....my status...my beliefs...my fears....my dreams....
being always on the road, changing places, back and forth, jobs, one better than the other...the career ladder sounded promising.....but always doing so many things the same time....until few months ago....when i broke down...
down of the effort put the last 10 years... huge...don’t know if there are many around doing the same...
and then the big decision.....bye bye career ladder...bye bye 51000 pounds per year, plus benefits....
and follow my dream... i made this film...and i love it... i love it more than anything have done before in my life.....3 months of day/night work... worth it more than my 33 years-old achievements..
because it didn’t come easy to get over here....it was hard and fun, it was painful and long....too long... everything did before was just a step, to reach this one....
and i’m relieved writing these words now, and I’m crying,,, i don’t know why...why i’m crying now...is it the understanding?
every fucking step worth it....even now i am completely broke....
how this outburst came out...??? e??
B told me the Taro the other day....and everything was there...my past, my present and my future , unexpected and expected....
and i m looking forward to both of them, I’m looking forward to my future...to my next 10 years.....to my prime, as my horoscope also said...
and was so glad when D and M said yesterday they believe my prime it’ll come for me... because i went through all these steps... and would be more steps to overcome...
but i reached this point, where i need to open a new door.... a new door to a new life...
need to leave them back and move on.... it’s going to be my precious 33 years past....
and i want, i need to have someone with me, someone as G, to take her from her hand, to join our hands and fly, fly to our primes!
maybe it’s not G, maybe is another G, but it doesn’t matter, .... someone will be!!!
Ave!
02:10:59, 09/02/07, Brussels
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